How We Approach Temper Tantrums with Our Toddler!
Hello again, mama! So happy you're back! Based off today’s title, I assume you have a toddler who may or may not be giving you a run for your money?! While I'm not a child behavior specialist, I’m ecstatic to share what has worked for our toddler and family! I also thought us moms could bond over the undeniable fact that toddlers tantrum, some more than others, and even more so if you let them! My 2 1/2 year old son has tried out this “technique,” and our approach has kept his temper tantrums short, and to a minimum! I'm sure there are many ways to approach tantrums, but this works for us, and I think it could also do the same for you! I hope you enjoy!
Remain calm
Don't add fuel to the fire! By remaining calm during our child’s temper tantrum, we’re setting the example for the energy we want to see from our toddler. If a parent becomes flustered, angry, or yells during a tantrum, this will only escalate the situation into an even more heightened frenzy. Take a deep breath, tell yourself it's “game time,” and remain calm!
Immediately and gently, bring them to their room
At the start of a tantrum, pick them up, and immediately bring them to their room. State calmly and clearly, "We do not yell, and scream because mommy can't understand you. You can yell and scream in your room, and come out when your done,” and then exit and close the door (given they can open it to exit it when they are done.)
During the delivery of this statement, you are not showing your child anger, sadness, disappointment…nothing. You’re simply showing them that when they tantrum, the response is them being removed from their current surroundings, and being brought to their room. Suddenly, without an audience, tantruming may not seem as appealing, but more so, they will learn that temper tantrums do not get them what they want! The first few times they may, and likely will, try to exit their room while still crying, but calmly carry them back in, and repeat the above statement to stay in their room until they’re all done. Eventually, and with prompting, they will stop crying, yelling, kicking, and come out saying, “I'm all done, mama.”
The room does not serve as a punishment, but rather a safe place for them to get out their emotions before returning ready to learn more positive communication. My son has not yet experienced an all out temper tantrum in public, but if I was at someone else’s house, I would utilize the same steps in an empty room, and if we were in public with him tantruming, I would try to distract him, or remove him from the situation entirely, but I’ll let you know how that goes when the day comes!
Basically, we don’t want the tantrums to result in the child getting what they want. We want the tantrum to open an opportunity for teaching more positive behavior, instead of rewarding negative behavior. If any mamas reading this have any other solutions for resolving temper tantrums in public, please leave them in the comments below!
Communicate clearly what's expected of them
When my son turned 2 years old, I still remember the first time he tantrumed. I was shocked! I wondered if it was after witnessing the child who had a huge meltdown in the Library, whose parents coddled and appeased him. (No judgement, because we’ve all been there at one time, or another, and I have no doubt they were just doing their best!) Maybe my son thought he too would get his way by throwing a temper tantrum? In keeping consistent with remaining calm, it's important to explain to the child that the behavior he or she displaying is not appropriate, and instead explain what is expected of them.
When we see toddler’s tantruming in public, my son and I take it as a learning opportunity, and discuss it quietly together. “Uh oh, that little boy is not being a good listener to his mommy! I think he is upset. I hope he stops yelling and speaks kindly, or she won’t be able to understand what he’s saying!” I need my child to know that while he may witness other children modeling this type of behavior working in their favor, this will not be the case for him.
As parents, we can still care for our children’s emotional needs, and teach them how to properly communicate without grooming negative behavior. My husband and I calmly choose to say things like, "Son, we do not scream and cry in Target. You cannot get out of the cart, but you can hold this toy while we push you.” “We cannot understand you when you scream and cry. You can scream and cry in your room, and when you're done, you can come out." We are not pleading, or begging, or bribing, we are stating the facts, and acting on them!
Help them express their emotions once they have calmed down
Toddler's that tantrum often can’t, or don’t know how to express themselves in these difficult and frustrating moments…hence the great teaching opportunity! Once my son is calm in his room, or independently exits his room calm, I’ll praise him (he will see the difference in my pleased enthusiasm, as opposed to the more robotic statements prior) and say, “Oh good, you're done crying! You can come out now, I missed you! When you were crying before, was it because you wanted Mac and Cheese?” He replies, “Yes, I wanted Mac and Cheese. ” I then will state something like, “OK! Next time, you can just use your words so mommy can understand you! You can say, ‘Mommy, I’m hungry. May I please have some Mac and Cheese?,’ And mommy will say ‘Yes, of course you may!’ Can you say that?” He will repeat the phrase which we then praise,“Good job, now we can understand you!" I want my son to learn that expressing his emotions in a positive way will be rewarded in one way, or another. Tantrums get you nowhere!
Try to catch the “tell tale” signs prior
Learn and become aware of your toddler's signs prior to tantruming. Before the negative behavior begins, we parents have a small window of opportunity to address a need, or distract, in order to save our toddler from the tantrum all together. For instance, if you’re in line at the post office, and your child starts to whine, is it truly because he “doesn't want to be at the post office,” or is it because your child didn't have lunch yet, and is just hungry? If so, have a snack on hand to save yourself the unnecessary tantrum.
Children can't always communicate the true reason behind their tantruming, so we as parents need to be detectives, and look for the signs! Is the child hungry, bored, needing attention, have to use the bathroom, need a nap, want to feel included, etc? Learn your toddler’s signs, meet the need, and save yourself the tantrum all together!
(DISCLAIMER: Of course, there may be "exception scenarios" where a toddler is already tantruming as a result of events that disrupted their normal routine. For example, if we return home way past our son's bedtime, and he starts to tantrum, we understand that his tantrum is due to a basic need for rest that was disrupted. In instances similar to this one, we give our son grace, and focus on meeting the need ASAP, as opposed to the above approach I mentioned! Use your own discretion, mamas! Noone knows your child better than you!)
Stay consistent
Now here is where it all comes together, so please take note! In order for this method to work, it cannot just be mommy doing it, or just daddy doing it. It has to be a consistent team effort! Sit down together when the babies are asleep, go over the game plan, look at each other, and say, "Babe, we got this!!" Together, your child will learn how to steer away from temper tantrums because in the midst of one, whether with mommy or daddy, he will never get his way! Temper tantrums do not equal results. Positive communication equals results! This is what we want our children to learn. If you're a single mama, you are twice the super hero, and you are just as capable leaving a mark all on your own. Just stay consistent, mama. P.S. You're amazing!
Now that you've read how we handle temper tantrums, I hope it's helped you in one way or another! Just remember that if you have a toddler, tantrums are inevitable, but they don't have to be acceptable. They'll definitely happen, but when they do, you’ll be prepared! Now it's your turn to share, did this help you? What method have you tried that worked well for handling temper tantrums? Please tell me in the comments below, and share with a mama friend that needs it! As always, you can leave suggestions for my next blog post in the comments below! I’ll always respond! Thank you all so much for reading, and I wish you a tantrum-free day!
Cool, Calm, and Collectedly Yours,
