How We Sleep Trained Our Four Month Old: The Ferber Method
Happy Monday, friends! I hope you’re all enjoying this beautiful Fall day! After posting “9 Decisions We’re Happy We Made for Our Kids,” I received many requests to share how we sleep trained our 4 month old using the Ferber method, and are still reaping the benefits! I know this is a topic of great controversy among moms, but I come in peace to purely state my own experience, not to shame, or change your mind! Whatever your stance, keep reading to get an inside look of “how we did it!” Thanks for stopping by!
The Ferber method was designed by Dr. Richard Ferber to train children to self-soothe themselves to sleep. While the Cry it Out method allows the child to cry with no external comfort until they fall asleep, the Ferber method allows the child to cry for short windows of time, each followed by external comfort from the parent until the child successfully falls asleep. After discussing Cry it Out vs the Ferber method with my husband, we both agreed we personally felt most comfortable with Ferber!
We started the Ferber method when our son was 4 months old. By this time he was already sleeping in his own crib and his own room for the past two months. I would nurse him to sleep in my arms, and stealthily place him in his crib with hopes of him not waking the second I put him down. Ferber states that children learn to sleep by association. In other words, if I always “nurse my son to sleep,” then whether he is actually hungry, or not, he will need me to nurse him in order for him to fall asleep every time. Our main goal was to teach our son to confidently fall asleep on his own once all his needs were met. (If you'd like me to do a seperate post explaining why we personally chose sleep training over cosleeping please let me know in the comments below! There were very specific reasons involved for our family!)
To begin sleep training, we started a consistent bedtime routine for our son to associate with going to sleep. We set the room with window shades, a sound machine, and absolutely nothing in the crib aside from a fitted sheet. I changed his diaper, put him in PJs, dimmed the lights, fully breastfed/burped him, and read him a book. We then sang him the same “bedtime” song, patted his back, and placed him in the crib, DROWSY. (I didn’t want to breastfeed him last, or he would likely fall asleep on my breast. A huge key to sleep training is putting your baby to bed drowsy because it gives them the best chance of falling asleep on their own.) Every time we placed our son in the crib, we’d say the phrase: "Time to sleep, see you soon!"
(It's best to do the following with a supportive partner to help keep you grounded. My husband, very focused on the “big picture” of sleep training, helped comfort me during the difficult times when hearing my son cry, even though the time was short. Make sure you sleep train when your baby is in good health, and not sick! I also strongly recommend having a baby-monitor so you can see your child from the camera at all times.)
After making sure all of our son’s needs were met and placing him in the crib, we left the room for a duration of three minutes. During the three minute window you can expect your baby to cry, or whine a bit. We then returned after 3 minutes to pat him, touch him, sing to him, speak to him, reassure him that we were still there…all for a solid minute (no more), and NO picking him up. Then we left the room for a window of 5 minutes. During the 5 minute window, he cried a bit again, and we returned after to soothe him for 1 minute…and NO picking him up. Then, we increased the window of time for leaving the room to 10 minutes, returned and soothed him for 1 minute, and then repeated with a window of 10 minutes, with one minute of soothing in between, over and over until he fell asleep! So that’s 3 minutes out of the room, 1 minute in, 5 minutes out of the room, 1 minute in, 10 minutes out of the room, 1 minute in, followed by 10 minute increments out of the room (with 1 minute in the room in between) until he falls asleep.
It’s important that your child doesn’t see you as an emotional wreck during this time because babies pick up on that energy which will do the opposite of soothing them. It’s helpful to remind yourself of your reasons why you’re choosing to sleep train in the first place! If the baby stops crying during the time you are out of the room, start the timer over. For example, if you start the 3 minute time window, and your baby stops crying at 2 minutes and 30 seconds, start the 3 minute timer over for the full three minutes. The Ferber method gradually increases the windows of time out of the room each night, but we decided to keep it the same 3 minute, 5 minute, and 10 minute intervals consistently throughout, and this worked great for us!
The main goal is for the baby to soothe-himself-to-sleep faster and faster each night until they begin to associate their bedtime routine with soothing themself to sleep without crying. At the beginning of sleep training, “consistency” is crucial, so it's a good idea to not leave your house the 1st month while your baby is adapting to his or her new routine. I encourage you to listen to your “mommy instincts,” but stay as consistent as possible, or it will not work, and instead result in wasted time for you and your baby!
Being that our son was very young and unable to communicate his need for food or diaper changes, we wanted a strict “middle-of-the-night-plan” in place! We agreed I would nurse and give him a fresh diaper when he woke and cried in the middle of the night if he did not soothe himself back to sleep after 3 minutes. We were shocked on nights where he would wake with a cry, roll around quietly, and fall back asleep within three minutes! In those moments I was glad I had not bursted through the door, but instead took 3 short minutes to see if he would fall back asleep on his own, which in many cases he did!
By 5 months old, our son was putting himself to sleep for naps and bedtime where he hardly whined at all. I remember the shock on people's faces at how effortlessly and well he went to sleep even at different locations! If we didn't have the crib with us, we would just bring our pack and play. Our son is 26 months old now, and still has a wonderful relationship with sleep that we are so thankful for! He has a solid bedtime routine that we can take with us anywhere, he puts himself to sleep in his room without a struggle, and I credit it all to the consistency of sleep training early on! I’ve also seen sleep training give me and my husband peace, freedom, and time for intimacy/other precious moments together in our relationship!
I would never pressure a mama to sleep train, or judge a mama if she didn't! Every mama should have the freedom to choose what they want for their children, for their family, and for their sleep! I can only give you a look at our positive experience sleep training, and how we plan to do it with all of our children! If you have any sleep training questions based on my experience, or you want me to document sleep training our 7 month old, leave it in the comments below! I'll always respond! Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my life experiences with you all! Remember that you are not alone in this crazy thing called “Motherhood!” Have a beautiful day, and sweet dreams!
Cool, Mom, and Collectedly Yours,
