Ways I’m Becoming a More Gentle Mother | Biblical Encouragement
As a devoted mother to five young children under 7, I’m always looking for ways to challenge myself to grow. The older my little ones get, the more I see my desperate need to become more gentle. It’s not only a cherished memory I want them to have of me, but a character trait I aim to pass down to them as well.
Becoming overstimulated, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, having unrealistic expectations, and lack of meeting ones own needs are just some of the many reasons mothers may struggle to display gentleness. However, the benefits of becoming a more gentle mother include fostering greater patience, empathy, and mindfulness in our interactions with our children. As I navigate ways to become a more gentle mother, I hope you'll join me! Save this post, share it with a fellow Mama, and enjoy :)
Stay in the Word
It’s no secret that we become like those we spend most of our time with. Therefore, as believers in Yeshua/Jesus, it is crucial for us to spend time in His Word! Do we want to become a more gentle parent? Who better to spend our time with than our Heavenly Father, the Creator of gentleness, a character trait of His very Spirit? The more we do this, the more we will know His attributes, and the more we can aim to become like Him. Below are a few of the many verses that show how gentle our Heavenly Father is:
"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Psalm 103:8
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:29
Practice active listening
I know we all know how to “appear” like we’re listening to our children as they share their feelings, but are we truly listening? Or are we just rushing them through their emotions so we can get on with our day? I know I have been guilty of, and have had to repent for this before.
I get it. We often feel that we know the solution to their problems, but rushing to fix things can take away our chance to truly connect with, and listen to our children. Instead, we must take the time to slow down, and pay close attention to what our children are saying, both verbally and non-verbally. By acknowledging their feelings, we are modeling the same respect for them that we expect in return.
Keep it positive!
When correcting your child, focus on phrasing things positively. If we can master this, then there is one less reason to raise our voice, lash out, or repeat any other bad habits that may come with the typical negative response.
For example, instead of shouting "Don't touch that," try "Please keep your hands in your pockets." Or instead of “No, you can’t have a snack because you didn’t clean your room,” Try “Yes, you can have a snack as soon as you clean your room.” Don’t let fear and threats be your child’s motivators. Our goal should be for hope and love to motivate them, and we have a much better chance of that using positive language. Take a moment to reflect on which negative responses occur more often, and jot down some positive responses to trade them in for. (If you’ve formed the habit of replying as a Negative Nancy, this one may take some time, but don’t give up because the reward will be great!)
Be present in the moment
Children are very sensitive to their surroundings. They know whether they truly have our attention, or not. The more tuned into our children we are, the more we can intimately know them, and more accurately respond to their needs. So, let’s spend quality time with our children, eliminate distractions, and make it a priority to give them our full attention.
I’ve noticed very early on that it’s easy to feel irritable, annoyed, and frustrated when interrupted while on our devices. So, I’ve made the decision to eliminate being on my phone in the presence of my children throughout the day, at meal times, etc. Eliminating these distractions have instantly helped me become more present, foster a deeper connection into who my children are, and to respond to their needs in a more understanding, calm, and loving manner. (I’m not saying we can never get on a phone call, or on social media again…but let's at least be strategic with it. For instance, don't answer your best friend's phone call in the middle of a toddler meltdown. Instead, wait till nap time, or give your child an activity, and specific instructions to follow prior to getting on your call. Call your friend back once your child has been prepped, is occupied, and there is full understanding of what you expect of them. This will produce both relief, and a better chance of keeping your cool.)
Learn your triggers and remain calm
Learning what “sets you off” is an extremely helpful step to helping you become more gentle. In order to stop the toxic cycle of “reacting,” we must first recognize our triggers. Right now you may have a habit of snapping back, shouting, rolling your eyes, or huffing and puffing when you become frustrated by a certain action of your child. These are negative responses that you've become accustomed to.
Once you identify your triggers, then you can change your responses. For example, the next time you feel triggered try taking deep breaths, pausing for a moment, or taking a break in another room when you're feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. (I know it sounds silly…but don’t knock it till you try it!)
I recently finished the book “Laying Down the Rails for Yourself” by Sonya Shafer, and it was life changing for creating better habits, learning your triggers, and knowing how to change your responses. I highly recommend it! Let me know in the comments below if you’d like a blog post for that!
Let them know their emotions matter
One sure way to instantly become a more gentle mother is to validate your child's emotions. Take the time to let your child know that it's okay to feel upset, angry, or sad. Help them to understand, and process their emotions without judgment. “It sounds like you're feeling angry. Mommy feels this way too sometimes. The Bible says be angry and don't sin. So we may definitely sometimes feel anger, but God doesn't want us to stay miserable in our anger! So, let's find a way to solve the problem together.” By doing this, you'll demonstrate to your child that they are valued, while also fostering the empathy to help you respond with greater gentleness.
Have clear boundaries in place
Boundaries create a sense of freedom, and children not only need them—they thrive on them! When we establish clear, consistent boundaries, our children gain a better understanding of what is acceptable, and what is not. We can uphold these rules with firmness while also being understanding to our child's perspective. For example, "I understand you want the toy your brother is playing with, but hitting him is not okay. If you do it again, this is what will happen." Or, "I see you like to throw things, but pencils are not for throwing because it's dangerous. You can throw a ball outside instead." This may take a lot of practice, but it will also save both parties a lot of headaches.
Have compassion on their mistakes
Becoming more gentle with someone often starts with having empathy for them. We see Yeshua/Jesus show others an abundance of compassion in the Bible, and I notice it’s followed by His calm responses.
"When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick." Matthew 14:14
"When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things." Mark 6:34
See yourself as the Shepherd of your children, and pray to the Most High to cultivate more gentleness in you. Many of these mistakes they are making, I guarantee we likely also make to this day? We can't expect, and shouldn't expect our children to provide the CALM in our household. That’s our job! Let's not expect this unattainable perfection in our children that is unattainable to even us as adults! Instead, let's accept the challenge of raising our children with ALL our heart, and commit to raising them WELL, despite their short comings. After all, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Remember that both you and your child make mistakes. As your Heavenly Father forgives you…truly forgives you…so, we must forgive them. Instead of showing disappointment and judgement in these difficult moments, let’s practice compassion on our young children, and turn them into learning opportunities. Our gentle calmness will model emotional regulation for our children. Give yourself grace, and give them grace as well!
Create loving moments with your children
Overstimulated Mama accountability check-in: Have you hugged your children today? Told them you love them? Or how irreplaceable they are? Most things in a mother's day can feel out of our control, but these are moments of gentleness that WE have the power to create.
Find moments throughout the day to show your children those gentle touches, or gentle words whether they deserve it, or not. In doing so, you will be modeling the same unconditional love that our heavenly Father shows to us! It will be an encouragement to you both, and may even produce a new influx of gentle moments throughout your home.
Take care of YOU!
How many times have we lashed out at our children, only to realize…Wait, I haven't ate yet! I’ve had no water all day! I should have gone to bed earlier! While these factors are NO excuse to “lose control,” they are imperative reasons moms may lose their cool with their children.
If this is you, then it’s important to realize that taking care of your own emotional and physical well-being will help eliminate added stressors to your day. Going to bed early, getting up early, being rested, dressed, fed, doing your devotional, having coffee, using the bathroom, etc. Whatever basic needs you need to feel fueled and ready to tackle the day will help you have a better chance at maintaining the energy and patience necessary to becoming a more gentle mother. So next time you put off taking care of YOU, remember that meeting your basic needs first may allow you to be more fully present for others.
I hope you enjoyed reading the ways I’m daily becoming a more gentle parent. I think encapsulating this idea of SLOWING DOWN with our children really makes this possible! Share with a fellow mama, and let me know in the comments below any additional tips you have for becoming more gentle as a mother! Happy character building!
