How to Maintain a Strong Marriage After Having Kids!
Welcome back friends! I'm so happy to have you here. :) Today, we're talking about how to maintain a strong marriage AFTER having kids. Since most of my audience has children, and is married, I felt this would be a wonderful topic to take on as encouragement to you all. My husband and I have been married 10 years this year, and we have two beautiful children together with an equal desire for more! Even though we’ve spent majority of our marriage together (without kids)...their arrival has not weakened our bond, but only strengthened it! I've reflected on the top principles that have strengthened our marriage after having kids, and I’m excited to share them with you all! I hope you enjoy!
1. Always present yourselves as a TEAM!
Although my husband and I won't always agree, we never want our kids to think that they can divide, or manipulate us to get what they want. Instead, we want them to see us so connected, that if Dada says "No," then there’s no point in asking Mama because she will say the same! Having the desire for our children to see us united shows loyalty towards one another which is especially comforting since parenting has a tendency to feel lonely at times. It’s important for our kids to see us work through our disagreements, but when it comes to parenting related disagreements, we address those in private.
2. Make time for date nights
Although we may not always be able to leave the house for date night, planning a special night in, (or out), for just the two of us, really gives us a sense of value and priority in each other’s lives… especially if your love language is “quality time.” Time alone together allows us to continue building on, and carrying over similar memories and moments that we created, and bonded over during our “pre-children days.” You can find my blog post for “Date Night Ideas at Home,” here.
3. Care for your individual (outer and inner) selves
Speaking for most moms, we tend to take care of our families to such a great extent that we prioritize ourselves last, if at all. Although we won’t always want to get dressed up, or do our hair, nails, etc… even the slightest effort communicates a healthy desire to be pleasing to the eye of our spouse, and this should go both ways!
Finding my identity in Christ allows me to not depend heavily on finding my sole value in my husband. This balanced outlook frees me to enjoy and love my husband despite how he sees me on any given day!
4. Keep each other FIRST
As parents, we can become so enamored with our children that our relationship with our spouse falls to the wayside. My husband and I prevent this by ensuring that our relationship takes priority over our children’s. This prevents division, creates balance, and allows us to love each other so fiercely that it overflows even more so onto them! This also provides a beautiful example of a healthy marriage for our kids. Our relationship with God, followed by our marriage together is what makes up the foundation for our parenting!
5. Verbalize what you love about each other on a daily basis
Once kids join the equation, the time to edify and love on each other is needed more than ever! Speaking words of KINDNESS is a healing and uplifting act of love. (Negative words towards your spouse in regards to your children can tear them down, and kill their confidence as a parent! It can also create an equal level of disrespect from your children based off your example.)
Thank them for working hard at their job, providing for the family, putting your child in the car seat, etc. Showing appreciation for how your husband cares for you and your children will uplift them, and form a positive association with their role as a husband and father.
6. Keep physical intimacy a PRIORITY!
I’m saddened by the stigma that once you have kids, physical intimacy tends to die out. This may be the case for some, but it doesn’t have to be! We all make time, and utilize our energy on the priorities we make for ourselves. So get those kids to bed, and make it a priority! ;-) Your spouse will thank you during, and later!
7. Put your phones away!
If our beautiful children weren’t enough of a handful, technology doesn’t make growing closer to our spouse any easier! Constantly being on your phone when in the presence of your spouse cuts off communication, and creates a barrier between you both. Instead, put your phones away, look each other in the eyes, and show with your undivided attention that it's each other that matters, and not your latest Instagram notification! #guilty
8. Share in life's responsibilities TOGETHER
Similar to being viewed as a team, it's great for husband and wife to interact like a team! Having children does result in having more responsibility, and if only one person is doing all of the work, it can be very overwhelming, and lead to feelings of bitterness! Sit down together, and create clear expectations of what is expected from each other to lessen the heavy load that children often bring. Ask each other how you can help one another during your current parenting season. Give each other a break, permission to unwind, or rotate responsibilities to prevent “burn out.” This will be interpreted as a very caring and thoughtful gesture!
9. Give yourselves GRACE
Once children come into the picture, there’s a beautiful, but often hectic transitional period where the couple will not have the same quality time to spend with each other. Dad might be chasing around your busy toddler while you’re breastfeeding your new baby. Just remember that you are both on the same team working towards the same goal, but currently tackling different responsibilities to adjust to your new family dynamic. This is just a season that will pass!
10. Go on adventures together with your kids!
Making memories as a married couple WITH your children will build moments for you both to look back on, and reminisce in the future. By doing adventurous things together as a family, you will learn that adventure doesn’t have to STOP after having kids. In fact, ceasing to adventure after kids is a choice! You can continue on with any adventure that fits the dynamic of your family! Recent examples of this in our lives was last year when we went minivan camping for 8 days in Colorado which you can read about here, or when we took a 45 hour long road trip to Florida here. These adventures not only grew us closer with our kids, but as a married couple because of the massive feat we completed together!
11. Make decisions for your kids TOGETHER!!
Don't place your desires for your children ABOVE that of your spouses’. The last thing you want to communicate is that YOU know better for your child, or that YOU get the last say. Hear each other out, consider one another, compromise, and lovingly make the best decision for your child TOGETHER. Don't allow difficult decisions for your children to get in the way of keeping a supportive relationship. I used to get incredibly passionate when my desires for our kids were not met. I needed to remind myself that I did not make these babies myself, and I’m not the only voice that matters. It’s important for both parents to feel and be treated as valued players!
12. Inquire about each other's dreams, and help each other to pursue them!
A sad thing that tends to happen once kids come into the picture is that the dreams of the children are often fulfilled, and the dreams of the parents fall stagnant. However, one way to combat this is by having conversations with your spouse inquiring about their dreams, showing them you care, and then acting on helping to fulfill them! Watch your spouse come alive with appreciation for you believing in them, and considering them worthy and welcome to chase their dreams with you beside them…even after having kids!!
Thanks for checking out the above principles that will make a huge difference in your marriage after kids! If you enjoyed this blog post, please let me know in the comments below. I have a huge desire to help mamas out there who are hurting for community, and I’d love for you to share this post with a friend who may need it! Is there an area of your marriage where you've been lacking since having kids? An area above that you'd like to work on? Children are a gift from God, and although they bring about a whole new dynamic, and a lot of responsibility, there is hope for maintaining a stronger marriage after! See you all in the comments section! :) I can't wait to hear what you think!
Cool, Calm, and Collectedly Yours,
