My Miscarriage and God's Hand in My Story (PART 1)
Happy Monday, my beautiful readers! Today I'd like to share a more intimate, and for some, perhaps even an uncomfortable, topic of discussion...miscarriage. It's not an easy topic to talk about, especially if you've gone through it, or know someone who has. Please note: I'll also be sharing from my own personal journal below. I feel compelled to share my story, which is ultimately, one of peace, hope, and God's faithful hand. I hope it resonates with you, and brings healing to whoever reads it.
PART ONE: FINALLY PREGNANT!
My husband and I always knew we wanted kids...and a lot of them! We had pushed for the "five year plan" so we could spend more time together before they came, (we were married at 21 and 22). I remember the first morning I deliberately skipped my birth control pill. It felt so strange, but exciting! Fast forward to eight months later, and it finally happened! I remember running to the bathroom stealthily with a pregnancy test in hand, and seeing my first faint line. All time stopped, I felt instant love, and the biggest rush of adrenaline! I couldn't wait to surprise my husband, and when I did, it was wonderful!
My first prenatal appointment was on November 23, 2015, a week before my 27th birthday. (It had been my prayer to become pregnant by my 27th birthday since that was the age my mom and sister were when they had their first child!) I found out I was four weeks and three days pregnant! “You must be early," the nurse said nonchalantly. “Your pregnancy test was positive, but we didn't see anything on the sonogram.” She assurred me that this happens often, but it still left a bit of uneasiness in my heart. My due date was July 30th, 2016, and it all became very surreal! "Looks like you'll be having a July or August baby!," she said. Any month sounded perfect to me! As I anxiously waited for my next prenatal appointment, I began to discover, journal, and reflect on different Scripture to help encourage myself and ease my concerns. Isaiah 26:3 “You keep him in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on you because he trust in you.” Romans 12:12 was my main source of encouragement during this whole experience. It states "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Joyful in the hope of my future baby, patient in the midst of hardship, and faithful in prayer during the time of uncertainty. I prayed this verse every day. I found it helpful to draw verses out big in my journal, and then meditate on them.
I went back at 6 weeks and 3 days to find a gestational sac!! "You are definitely pregnant," the technician said as a tear of joy fell down the right side of my face…"and there's baby!," she continued as she pointed to the screen. "You are 6 weeks and 4 days but measuring just under 6 weeks." I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I was too busy enjoying the sighting of the sac, and the sweet little baby that sat right above it! Unfortunately, we couldn't find the heartbeat due to the early stage of my pregnancy. We finally took home two sonogram pictures at this appointment, and it felt like the best gift ever! Due to the growth of the baby, my new due date was pushed to August 4, 2016 which my husband light heartedly commented, "Now, we have an extra week to prepare!" He always knows how to calm my nerves and make me laugh! We were given a bit of hope, reminded of God's control, and continued to pray that we'd stay joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
A few days later, I bumped into my high school principal at a social gathering. "Laura, you have a baby too, right?," she asked me. "No, but one day!," I replied, still trying to keep my pregnancy a secret until the second trimester! "Oh, that was probably a premonition!," she said. Later, at the same event, she came up behind me and whispered in my ear, "You're next and everything's going to be OK. A premonition." This not only freaked me out in it's timing, but it brought me so much peace. I didn’t assume this necessarily referred to my current pregnancy. I just knew it was God comforting and assuring me that He knew of, and would fulfill, my desire to become a mother one day. I held on tight to this!
I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks pregnant, but measuring 6 weeks and…we finally heard the heartbeat! My bloodwork and HCG levels were going up. God seemed to be answering our prayers little by little! Unfortunately, shortly after finding it, we were told the heartbeat sounded a little weak. Our baby's heartbeat read as 74 bpm (beats per minute), but we were told that at this time they like to hear at least 100 bpm. My doctor told us she would give us some time for the heartbeat to grow stronger, and so I would return in a few days. It was very scary to be told our baby's heartbeat was weak at the end of our appointment…and waiting for my next appointment to confirm this was even more agonizing. Romans 8:28 was a verse I meditated on during this time. "God works all things together for those who love Him." Could there have been a more perfect promise to reflect on? Every relatable Scripture I discovered during this difficult time was like a little love note of hope from God reminding me of His promises. Another was Romans 15:13. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of His love." Journaling these truths, and reflecting on His Word during this time of uncertainty is no doubt what helped grow my faith. "Now this is the confidence we have before Him: whenever we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears whatever we ask, we know that we have what we have asked of Him.” 1 John 5:14-15.
Three days later, I went back to check my bloodwork. At this appointment we heard the baby's heartbeat again! The technician zoomed in on our baby, and we could see his or her little heart pulsating! Everything looked good on our end, but the news we received after was not what we were expecting. Our baby's heartbeat only went from 75 bpm to 78 bpm. My doctor at the time, came in and told me, "This little guy is a fighter. We have a beating heart, it's low which we don’t like...but it's beating. If there is something wrong with this baby, it won’t survive this...your bloodwork is increasing, but not doubling. God makes perfect babies, but if a chromosome is off, it won't survive...." This was a lot to take in, especially right before the celebration of our five year anniversary trip, the recent loss of our first dog, and Christmas being right around the corner. I was told to continue with our getaway trip, but if I should start to cramp or bleed, go to the ER ASAP. "Enjoy your time, and try not to worry..there's nothing you can do, but let me tell you, if this baby pulls through, you're going to be chasing him or her all over!" I appreciated her honesty, even though the results hurt us to our core. It’s in God’s hands, I tried to assure myself over and over. I was technically two months pregnant at this appointment, but was told I measured 6 weeks…again. I started to feel like I knew in my heart what this all meant, but I also knew Who God was, and what He was capable of, so our prayers increased. Below are some verses that I journaled and reflected on during this time.
"If you then who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who love Him?" Matthew 7:11
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with us the glory that is going to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
We went on our five year anniversary trip, and although we were anxious for what we realized could potentially be the saddest week of our lives, God allowed us to have that week with each other, and I had no signs of miscarrying. I knew the Lord spared us in that moment, and I still thank Him to this day. It was a time of growing our faith and ourselves closer and closer together during what was, no doubt, our toughest time.
A week before Christmas, I had to attend my prenatal appointment alone due to a work conflict that my husband had. Sadly, it was at this appointment that they were unable to find our baby's heartbeat. I waited anxiously by myself in the ultrasound room for my doctor, with grief already brewing in my heart. My doctor came in and said, "So, Laura…we couldn't find the heartbeat. This can happen when the baby is not formed to the best. If we confirm that the heartbeat and progesterone are down, we will have to schedule a D/C (dilation and cutterage) to remove it." It?…I was heartbroken, afraid, and felt so alone. There had been nothing more beautiful than the idea of "life” growing inside of me, and nothing more crushing than being told that it was gone just like that. Still, I reminded myself over and over again that God gives good gifts. I was told that the baby's heartbeat was too weak, and that if the baby did push through, he or she would have had serious health complications. It was surreal in the worst way...the kind of news you would never imagine for yourself.
At this point, I didn't even have the chance to share that special "I'm pregnant!" moment with my mother. Instead, I was ashamed and embarrassed to tell her that I was miscarrying her grandchild. I felt like such a failure, especially since my older sister had brought three beautiful girls effortlessly into the world. I assumed I would be no different! Tears filled my eyes in the kitchen, as I pushed myself to speak the dreaded words..."Mom..." I could already see the look of concern on my mom's face. "I have something bad to tell you..." She looked horrified. "I think I'm miscarrying..." I broke down in tears and anticipated pity, disappointment, and overwhelming amounts of sorrow. Immediately her face of terror shifted to relief, and without hesitation said, "Oh honey, you could never disappoint me! Miscarriages happen sometimes! It happened to me!” I had no idea! Being one of four healthy kids, I never expected my own mother to have gone through this…but she did too, and God clearly did a work in her life! I remember a huge weight being lifted after hearing her words of comfort. (It can be so easy to feel so alone, and like a failure during a miscarriage, and that’s a straight lie from the enemy! It was so nice to get some relatability from my mom instead of condolences which would've made me feel worse.) "Miscarriages do unfortunately, happen sometimes, and you're not alone. God's timing is perfect...you'll be pregnant again.,” she said. She then did what I admire most about her…what she always does when I brought her my burdens...she prayed with me. Instantly, I felt a sense of peace. Later on, I decided that aside from journaling, prayer and Scripture...telling my mom, (someone who would continously point me to God), was the best thing I did during my miscarriage! My husband and I preferred not to publicly announce that I may be miscarrying (as some people choose to do) during our healing process. At this point, we didn't find “healing” in other people sharing our sadness. Aside from Jesus, we each needed a few faithful people to push us toward our hope in Jesus, and stand with us in prayer, and at that moment…I had that in my mom.
From that moment on I chose to give my whole pregnancy to God with complete trust and fearlessness. If I miscarried, I would trust Him, and if a miracle occurred and the baby survived, then I would also do the same. This first pregnancy of mine had been a difficult one, but I knew my trust was nestled safe in Jesus. Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you." This verse was ironically the title of the journal I had written in from the moment I found out I was pregnant. The full verse actually continues, “Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” I began to remind myself every time I prayer-journaled that God not only knew the plans He'd have for me, but He knew the plans for the baby I was carrying…
*Thank you for reading PART ONE of my miscarriage story. I hope you'll return for PART TWO on Thursday where you will see God's faithful hand really do it's work! See you there!!
Cool, Calm, and Collectedly Yours,
