Growing Through Tough Times with your Husband
Marriage is like a plant. Without proper care, sunlight, and watering, it will start to wilt…much like a relationship that cannot grow through, or get past, a disagreement. On the bright side, handling these dry times with proper care can address the wilting, and lead to restoration. I’ve listed 10 ways that you can grow through the "wilting moments” with your husband, and thrive in your relationship.
Set a check-in time each week
In marriage, it’s easy to nag each other about every little thing. "You left the cap off the toothpaste again," "You didn't flush the toilet," “Please hang your towel,” etc. Designating a check-in time each week allows a “grievance day” to address these smaller issues without turning every day into a “nitpick day.” This also allows both parties to prepare their thoughts, and organize the points they want to communicate ahead of time, instead of acting out of an emotional reaction on the spot. This is such a valuable practice that can help a couple prioritize their issues and take turns sharing!
Don’t walk away
Early on in marriage, my clueless self found something strangely romantic, and empowering about dramatically leaving the room mid-fight. Let me save you the trouble...this is not the movies, and this approach does not work. There is nothing “cute" about running away from your husband, secretly wanting to be pursued, at a time where communication is vital. (However, there is a difference with mutually agreeing to take some space to collect each other’s thoughts prior to your discussion.) Remember, these marital challenges are ultimately what will help your relationship grow. Face the problem at hand, and have an adult conversation with your husband. Don’t make running away an option, or one day, he may stop chasing you!
Choose your battles wisely
Not every can of worms is worth opening. In marriage, like any relationship, there will always be something to complain about, but that doesn’t mean it always needs addressing. First ask yourself…"Is this really worth the time and energy spent fighting between us?…Or, should I pray, gather my thoughts, write this down, and bring it to grievance day?" Sometimes, it can be a great self growth moment to practice self control, and just give your problems to God. Spending lots of energy on each and every issue with your husband will only drive you further apart.
Communicate your feelings without accusations
When in a disagreement, it's never a good approach to use phrases like "You hurt me,” “You made me do this," or "You embarrassed me" in a fight. A lot more gets communicated when you explain how you felt when their actions occurred. For example, "When you did this, it made me feel sad." "When you said this, it made me feel embarrassed." This way of speaking is a less aggressive, less accusatory way to communicate your feelings. Doing so will make your chances of being heard that much more likely. It can also help de-escalate the situation!
Don’t tear each other down
It’s no secret that we have the ability to hurt those we know and love best...especially in the midst of a nasty marital argument. Tearing down your husband in a fight will only discredit your integrity, and dig yourself deeper and deeper into the ground…creating more hurt feelings in your relationship. Proverbs 15:15 states, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Maintaining a gentle, calm spirit in the midst of an argument will provide a much better response from your husband! Respect is of the utmost importance in any relationship. Words can't be taken back, so just don’t do it!
Don’t hold grudges
Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary to have a healthy marriage. From the moment you say "I do," you’re also saying "I will." I will forgive, I will love, I will trust, etc. Although tempting to do the opposite, and way easier said then done, it’s best to address the problem, and leave it behind you. If you carry every wrong your husband has ever done to you, it will only weigh you down in life, and make you harder to love.
Hear each other
Anyone can merely listen to their husband’s concerns in a hectic disagreement, but hearing your husband takes work. This can be really hard, but when your husband is talking, enter his shoes, and truly HEAR his concerns. I’m not saying he’s right! I’m just asking you to slow down, and give him the opportunity to be heard. It's good to establish that once you do this for him, he will then do this for you. Sometimes we can be guilty of prepping for our next comeback while our spouse is being vulnerable, and pouring his heart out. If writing your valuable thoughts down helps you pay more attention to the words of your husband, then grab a pen, and make that happen.
Think the best, not the worst
I want you to repeat these words…my husband is not my enemy. Come on, don’t act like you never felt that way! Instead, reflect back to the day you married your husband…you were 100% “for” each other, and not “against” each other. It was the both of you against the world! Remember how he held your hand and told you he would do you good, and not harm for the rest of your life? Well, no man is perfect, but this is the type of hope-filled, team-oriented attitude you need to continue to cultivate as a couple. Unless your spouse tells you otherwise, he is likely not trying to defeat you, so don’t assume the worst of him so quickly.
Don’t go to bed angry
Going to bed angry will only ruin your morning. Do your best to find a solution to your problems now, and agree to disagree if needed before you go to bed. Going to bed angry is a big “no-no” that can become habit forming, and will only prolong your sorrow.
Be willing to say you’re sorry first
I know it's hard. You may even be "taking one for the team," but saying and truly meaning your sorry can heal many wounds and restore peace. The Lord loves peacemakers and calls them “Children of God.” I’m not for anyone becoming anybody’s doormat, but if humbling yourself can restore unity in your household, can you afford to not take that measure?
Marriage is a wonderful adventure filled with beauty and love, but maintaining those healthy green leaves takes hard work! Implementing these practices above can help protect, nurture, and grow your relationship through a disagreement rather than hinder it. Now memorize these tips, and apply them in your next dispute! What practice above do you need to start implementing during disagreements with your husband? Share it in the comments below. PS. I’ve had to learn each and every one of these firsthand, and they are still challenging. You’re not alone! When applied diligently, the relationship growth through your dispute is positively shocking! Happy planting!
Cool, Calm, and Collectedly Yours,
DISCLAIMER: This advice is for a marriage that is not suffering from physical, verbal, or mental abuse which is a very serious thing. I am not a counselor, but I strongly suggest seeking help if you are in danger from your spouse.
